How Widows Can Manage the Pain of Grief

Grief hurts far more
than we expect it to.

None of us are prepared for how much the death of a spouse hurts.

We expect to be sad. We expect to cry a lot, and feel out of sorts. But nothing we imagine even comes close to the tip of the iceberg.

For many of us, the most surprising pain is physical. The grief manifests itself in a crippling attack on our bodies. We’ve all seen someone fall down at the news. This is shock.

The pain comes later. And it settles into any and every part of our bodies.

So how do we function if we can’t think about anything but how much it hurts?

Sleep

Create an optimum environment for sleeping. Turn off the screens, darken the room, play a soothing playlist of music, nature, or white noise. Try to stick to a routine.

Eat

Do your best to eat. But try to make the healthiest choices possible. Focus on nourishing your body as opposed to soothing. You need the strength your body can give you to get through this.

Breathe

Deeply. Stop and be still. Get comfortable. Close your eyes. Breathe in through your nose, count to 4. Hold for 7. Exhale slowly through your mouth for 8. Do this 2-3 times, a few times a day.

Hydrate

Drink water. Try to get in a few ½ litre servings of clear, cool, refreshing water. Be careful not to overindulge in caffeine and alcohol.

Get Outside

Spend time every day outside. Visit a park, a forest, waterfall. Make skin to earth contact – run your toes through the grass, feel the bark of a tree, wade in the water. (Showering counts!)

Move

Try to move your body every day. Ten minutes of dancing in the kitchen. Stretch. I use an elliptical under my desk. Walk the dog.

Cry

Learn how to maximize your crying time. Check out DragonflyYOU’s free download for the full deal on why crying matters and how to do it effectively.

Get Help

Grief isn’t supposed to be easy.

Most of what you’ll go through is a natural process. Make time to feel the bad feelings – find a safe place and time to do what you need to do. Set your boundaries and stick to your priorities. Over time, you learn to manage the feelings as they become a part of who you are.

But sometimes, it’s too much.

If you’re having thoughts of self harm. Or if you find you can’t manage to keep up with any or all of the items listed above, seek help.

Find a doctor, therapist, clergy member, counsellor who can help you work through your grief.

Medication is an option. But make sure that it’s used under strict supervision of your medical professional. And make sure it comes with an equal dose of therapy.

Medication alone is a crutch. A distraction. Much like diving into work, non-stop television binging, or sleeping 22 hours a day. While all of these things will make you feel better and get you through a day – and are okay once in a while – none of them will move you forward.

And the only way through grief is through. Postponing the inevitable is not something Future You will appreciate.

All in all, grief needs time.

Take the timeline off the table. This is going to take as long as it takes and trying to rush it won’t get you anywhere.

You will get through this. The pain will always be there, but you will get to a point where you don’t notice it so much, if at all.

Grief is not something we accept and move on from. It is something that becomes a part of us.

And that’s not a bad thing.